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Mood

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content

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Things have been so strange to me lately and things are just not as they seemed before.  I have a new look on all things and of course that is the reason why I have not written much lately.  I have been sharing secrets about me that some do not know to others.  It is like I am finally getting to the point where my life story is an open book.  I do not want all to see it though.  There are too many people who will find me rather strange and could not believe some of the things I can do or have done before.  I feel like ME.  The real me.  

It has been too long since I have found myself and I am more elated at everything that life has to offer for me.  I no longer stand in the corner and observe things.  I am more confident in myself than I have been in such a long time.  It has been several, several years since this.  I now know who I am.  I know what I was put here to do.  I know who I am supposed to be with and everything else in between.  Some of things....I just cannot share at this time.  But soon they will all be laid out for everyone's eyes to read upon.  


And the writing will begin.  But it will not be here.  I will have a certain spot for it and in time I will share it with all.  Too many hearts are involved and I cannot hurt them.  It is not my nature.   

[	Mood	|	creative	]
[	Tunes	|	Tori Amos- Body and Soul	]

I feel that I should reclaim myself again.  Now that the depression is all over with, I have had problems just seeing who I really am.  I know the things I still love to do and can lose myself in.  I love reading, writing, music, singing, poetry, photography, editing, and creating new things.  So I am reclaiming the things I love and sticking to them.....who knows what will come out from this girl?!

[	Mood	|	curious	]
[	Tunes	|	Tori Amos- Real Men	]

Yes I know it has been forever since I have updated anything lately.  I am taking the time to do so right now.  In between cleaning and doing other mommy chores, I am having a rough time finding myself.  Things have been great for the most part.  Money is tight now that we have to pay rent, but I am ok with it.  I am completely happy with things that are going on in my life except for one thing.   Matt has been kinda depressed lately.  I guess since the whole Christian ordeal he does not trust me at all and will not come out and say it.  We went so long with this trust and I have had to build my trust with him back lately since he has lied about a few things in the past. My only freedom in this place of solitude is on SL.  I have been working hard at it lately.  I now manage two clubs and also DJ to three of them.  I have close friends that I can let myself loose with and not have to worry about judgement. 

Matt has done this before.  He has always had a problem with me having a good time without him.  I try to involve in everything I do but I feel he watches over my shoulder at everything I say or do on the game.  Yes, people hit on me alot.  I mean my ava is hot and not only that I have this certain charisma about myself that just radiates off of me.  People love to be around me all the time.  I am very happy with how things are on this life.  If I continue to work harder at things, I can eventually learn how to make a great income off the game itself.  

For once in my life I am happy with everything including myself.  He is not.  He has not been happy with himself for a long time and I have no idea how to help him.  I can talk all I want to him but I feel he does not listen to me at all.  He says I get mad at him for expressing himself but he has to understand that this is not all about him.  I feel like he blames himself more than I thought he ever would.  He doesnt need to anymore.  As long as he shows me he cares, I will be there with him til the end.  I have no intentions of leaving him at this time.  I know he needs me and his daughter but I just dont what to do.  

I just dont know what has changed and why all of a sudden is there such a big change.....it makes no sense to me.

[

Mood

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happy

]

Recently we have met our goal by moving out of Papa's house as soon as we could.  We found us a two bedroom house that is closer to town for a ver cheap price.  I am extremely happy with this place already and we have not even been here a week yet.  Last weekend we took a trip to GA to get our furniture that has been in storage for more than a year and a half.  It was nice to be able to go and see the family but I am so glad that I do not live there anymore.  The only part I miss the most about being in GA is hanging with my friends Leslie and Tony.  We were able to spend the whole weekend with them and I hate not having much of a social life here.  But as with every small family in GA they are struggling to keep their bills paid on time.  So, it might be soon that they decide to move somewhere closer to us to better their life as well.  

We will be leaving this weekend to get my lil girl.  I have missed her so much but I am glad I was able to get the break I needed.  She is going to be so happy when she gets home and all of her toys and her cat from Ga will be in her room ready to go.  Yes, Dominoe came home to my moms house and we brought him here.  I have missed him so much and I am so happy thay he remembered us after a year of being away from him.  He is now the fat happy house cat again and Ozzy loves him to pieces.  The only sad thing is that the hamster, Buddy, passed away before we left for GA last week.  I am not even sure what caused it but he had been in our family for more than two years.  I am not sure if I should replace him or just explain to Ryleigh that he is not longer with us.  It might devastate her too much so I think we should replace him before she gets home.  

I still have tons of things to do around here before we leave for Chicago.  I will also be taking some pics of the new place and of course of the animals.  If I can manage that with everything else in the meantime, I should be good to go!

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busy

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     Tomorrow night will be a week that I have not spoken to Christian.  I do miss the friendship we had and I miss his sense of humor.  But there is nothing I can do about it now.  We might not be able to salvage any type of relation since we do not speak to each other.  Things have just gotten shitty.  I really hated that I blew up like I did but I cannot go back and change the past, although it would be nice if I could.  Right now I am spending time with the family and my daughter in Chicago with Matt's parents.   I will not have my baby girl for six weeks after this and  I am not sure if I can handle being away from her so long.  I am going to miss her terribly and wish that she was in my arms constantly.  She has been keeping me motivated on other things for a while now.  But with her being gone, I will be able to concentrate on getting us a place and me a car.  I will also be able to concentrate on the relationship with my hubby as well.  I do love him and since he has started his LJ, it has made the communication so much better between the two of us.  
     Monday, I will be going to Ohio to meet a great friend of my, Jen.  I have known her online, phonewise and camwise for about four years now.  She has always been one of the best friends and truest friends I have had.  I cannot wait to see her in RL.  I just hope that she will accept me big and all.  It is also going to be interesting seeing her town because I was born in Dayton which is where she lives.  Taking this road trip to Chicago has been a trip down memory lane for me.  We stopped in Winfield, WV and I lived there shortly after I was born.  Went through IN and I lived there for two years before HS.  The ride is long but has been very fun and peaceful.  Another trip back to NC and I am sure me and hubby will be very close.  I do love him and he is finding more ways to make me fall in love with him all over again.  I just hope this time it sticks and we do not go through all this again for the third time.  At that point if it happens, I will not even wait on him....I will just leave.  There is only so much a person can take and only so much I can do. 

[

Mood

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chipper

]

So today started out with a bang let me tell ya.  Got in a fight with Christian....still havent made up and dont plan to until he comes to his senses.  Made today my last official day on SL....Well I tried to until Emee talked me into not resigning on the modeling thing until this blows over next week.  Like that is really going to change my mind.  But whatev you know.  I cant help the way I feel and how I feel is that used and just plan betrayed in a way.  I mean all he had to do is say I dont think the RL thing would work but SL is fine with me.  And I would have agreed....but no....he had to get all fucking EMO.  Whatev.  (wow I am so ghetto sounding)  Anways, I am taking a roadtrip and prolly will be to FL.  I think hubby is going to go with me and we are going to do this on our final move.  We are getting a house and moving out of this hellhole.  I am going to focus on getting a job and school.  I am going to take advantage of the time that Ry will be in Chicago to get things done and right before we go get her.  Who knows I may stop and meet some people on my way down to Fl.....Yulia, wanna meet up?  hahaha.  You never know!

Oh yeah for the title being about mexican food....we wanted to go out tonight and eat at the local mexican restaurant.  Well it has rained so much our truck gets stuck in the front yard....So we took the firebird so we can get some food and wait for the FIL to come pull the truck out.  On our way back from eating, we almost got hit by another SUV that was coming to fast at a fourway to stop.  The SUV almost collided with my side of the vehicle....My daughter saw the whole thing and after we swerved out of the way she said "Mommy, Daddy, that was close."  yeah it was cute but oh so scary.....what if it did hit my side of the car.  Good thing she was on the driver side and I was on the passenger.  I would never want her to get hit if I could help it.  But yeah all I wanted to eat was Mexican.  So yeah what a day!

It is done and it is over with Christian and I.  He broke it off last night because I was a bit too clingy.  I have been up all night crying and even for the lil bit that I slept I was crying in my sleep.  I am emotionally drained and weakened by this.  I was willing to give him time but when I received the message that he no longer wanted to be with me, it shattered me.  I have never been so upset in my life and my husband has been very dear to me.  He knew this would happen.  A part of me also knew this would happen as well.  I am not even sure who I am anymore.  The pain will not stop.  I am taking anti depressants like candy and it still wont go away.  How can I get so involved with someone in such a short time and feel this much for them?  How can I let myself do this to myself over and over again?  I guess he was just like every other guy out there.....only wanted me because everyone else did.  So he won in a way but losing so much more now.  I told him to forget me and I get the line of "Can't we still be friends?"  I think not!  Haven't you put me through enough emotionally?   I was in a much more difficult situation than he would have ever been in.  I had to deal with the fact of losing the one I had been with for so long.  But at that time, I was ok with it as long as I knew he was as well.  

I plan to quit SL and leave it all behind.  I have met some wonderful people on there and hate that it has come down to this but I cannot help the fact that I was never wanted around.  He claimed I didnt want to be around when our friends were acting childish....yet he did not know me well at all.  I enjoyed those times the most.  Even though I was not involved like he wanted me to be, I still enjoyed being around it.  I was either too clingy or too distant with him.  There was never a perfect spot.  He never felt empty without me there or achy.  That said alot within itself.  If you were truly in love with someone, you would feel it. The connection is dead between him and I.  I want it to be gone forever.  I dont want to ever have to feel like this again.  It is like every part of my body hurts....every thought hurts and every memory hurts.  I guess deep down I wanted this to go into something more in the future like he wanted....or thought he wanted.  But I have learned a very good lesson about this.  I will never wear my heart on my sleeve again.  I will be more complicated to get to....I just ache.

[	Mood	|	cold	]
[	Tunes	|	Cold- Black Sunday	]

All hope is lost.
All love is gone.
Nothing is what it seems.
Never trust anyone with your heart.
Never be willing to sacrifice your soul unless you know you are willing to die. 
Never more again.
Never less again.

[	Mood	|	calm	]
[	Tunes	|	Tool- H	]

Matt and I talked last night after we fought all day.  I swear he just doesnt get me anymore.  I am tired of being such a hermit crab....I am tired of feeling that I am just here for looks.   He does not understand that I need someone to turn to with the probs or just to have fun with.  He is so fucking jealous it is insane it seems.  I am a smart girl and I have my head on straight you know.  I can do this on my own without him.  He fails to realize things like this sometimes until....BAM....it hits him hard.  When that does, its all hell from there.  He blames it on me not wanting to spend time with him.  I AM TIRED OF FUCKING TRYING!  For the past 4 years, I have done nothing but wanted to be by his side....and I get pushed.  I am tired of being pushed away.  I am done.  I promised myself I would not go through this again and I am done.  I have done nothing but tried with him for more than 4 years.  I am done.....And Now he wants to try....WTF???

Where was he when I was busting my ass to keep this marriage together?  What was he thinking I was doing?  Just doing it all by myself?  I am done.  It is over.  I have options....I will more than likely be moving back to GA and stay at my moms.  I am going to buy her car from her.  He can fucking keep the truck.  I dont fucking need it anymore.  I dont need anything.  All I need is my daughter.  I am taking her with me.  She is all I have....All I want.  The sad thing about all this is, I have been depressed for the longest time.  Now I am not.  Matt did not want me to start taking the pills cause he was afraid I would not want to be with him after I became happy. WTF???  Are you kidding me?  I mean why?  Why did he want me like this?  Is he that insecure of things?  He knew this was going to happen....why keep me confined?  

So, he is on his way home from work and I am tired of giving a damn to work this out with him.  Maybe I should make him work for it this time.  I gave it my all for the past 4 years and I am done.  hah!  He prolly wouldnt work hard at all....then I will know.  I will know he never really cared for me.  Its sad it all came down to this....but I knew it would happen and so did a lot of other people.

[	Mood	|	confused	]
[	Tunes	|	Sevendust- Xmas Song	]

 I feel at times I should slow down and think things more clearly.....but truth be told, I have never thought more clearly in my life about one thing.  I know what I want.  I want him....I want him forever.....I am willing to make the sacrifices and take the risks to be with him.  I have never been that happy with my husband.....Who was I kidding?  Everyone knows.  He even knows.  I can tell a change has come over him recently.  He is always making comments and remarks to me.  Why be with someone you know you are no longer happy with?  I hate this has happened.  I would have love to have the fairytale marriage but I realize it is all a dream.  Maybe it is that I am such a bad wife to him?  Maybe it is all things.  But why waste our time trying to work out something that will never happen? 

When am I going to talk to him about this, I am not sure.  I kind of dread the conversation I will one day have with him.  We have both been through this before.  This time is different than the last time.  I can tell he is not happy as well.   The most important thing is how is this going to effect my child.  It is all about her now.  I am sure we will be able to work things out though.  If anything we still have a great friendship......It just all comes down to this....Who am I trying to fool anymore? 

     How can someone have such an intense connection with another person?  I have asked myself this question many times before but this is just intense.....I mean I know what they are thinking, when they are thinking it and I can do things that I was not able to do before.  I feel things that I have never felt before.....Just thinking about it is making me all fluttery again.  How does this happen to someone?  How can you change it if you wanted to.  I don't want to change anything.  If anything, I want to progress it more.  I want to be able to achieve more things that I have ever done before.  In time we will conquer it all I am sure.  We will be able to touch each other without doing it physically.  We will be able to do way more things than the normal person can do with another.  I ache to be with them....I long to be touched by them.....I need them....I am in love.   

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content

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I feel him calling to me.....I feel it deep within the pits of me. "Take me with you" is all I whisper.  Faintly I know he can feel me around him.  He knows my presence.   WIthin a split second I am there.  I am at his beckon and his call.  I will always be there.  I hate the days away from him.  I grow cold without him.  I long for his touch, his scent......I long for him and my soul calls out......Can he hear it?  I am not sure if can.  I will my weightless for to him...waiting patiently.....until he can project out of the heaviness that weighs his spirit down.  I know he will be with me soon....I know we will have it all.

[	Tags	|	friendships, relationships, sl	]
[	Mood	|	content	]
[	Tunes	|	Tori Amos- Take me with you	]

I do not have much of a social life outside my house.  Yes, it is sad to say.  March will be a year that I have been living here and yet I have not many people to call my friends here.  Am I depressed over it?  I think not.  I have my family and they are always needing me in some way.  Most of  my friends are online or in a different state now.  I mean I go to school online, I am always online.  So why not have friends online.  Sometimes they turn out to be the best friends you can have.  I am sure there are alot of people out there who would definitly agree. 

SL has been the best thing for me yet it seems.  I have some really great friends on there.  At first when I joined, I was all about keeping my real self private from those.  As I started to meet different people and seeing they had very many interests that were the same as mine, I began to find myself opening up more.  We have such great times together. We will all get on voice and laugh and cut up,  It has been a great experience for me and I hope to continue on SL. The best thing about being on SL is that your character can be you when you want it to be.  When you do not want to be youself, you do not have to be.  I can be goth, preppy, trendy, neko, vampish, furry or whatever else that comes to mind anytime I want to be.  I do not have to be just plain Kalika.  

I have also found that photography on there with models is so nice as well. I have gained another sense of art with the editing and the look of characters as well.  The possibilities are very endless on there and I see why people turn to it so much.  It would be the largest community ever.  Not to mention there are real people behind the avatars. Ok i am sounding like a spokesperson for the game.  LOL!  I will shush now. 

What it all comes down to is that thanks to technology, we now have a great way to meet people and friends!  I have my own family now on there and it is very nice.  Keep checking out the flickr account as I post new photos almost everyday! 

[	Tags	|	sl	]
[	Mood	|	confused	]

I usually don't talk about my SL life too much but now it is getting personal.  It is like my character is really me.  I guess it could be both good and bad in a way.  Good because of all the great friends I am making on there and bad because of all the other people I am meeting there.  Of course you all know that my character is also an escort for the extra money.  It is how she has met her boyfriend and her vampire lord.  Well she just had to tell the boyfriend goodbye last night.  He was never around that much anyways.  The vampire lord guy didnt work out all that great because he felt my character was not vampy enough in RL.  Yep, RL.  What a loser.    

So where I left off with her is that in support of a dear friend, she decided to get pregnant.  Of course you have the opion of keeping the baby or not.  I opted for the not at the end.  Another girl she met while working at the dancing job asked her if she wanted help with the baby and then adopt someone to play the child afterwards.  Ok so I have never had kids in RP before.  Not even in basic RP.  But since this girl was digging my character I figured why the hell not?  I mean SL is to experience all things and just have fun.  Maybe I could have some fun with this.  Well, I got the chance to meet the person who will RP as my child in the future.  She is absolutely the most  sweetest thing I have met.   She can play the character very well and since she makes a living by working off the game, she is going to show me how to build so that I can.  So, now that Kalika is partnered up with a girl, I am thinking this will all work out wonderfully.

Or so I thought.....Apparently she is still wanted by the vampire lord.  Not only him but her ex boyfriend as well.  Damn she is just loved by all.  Of course it is hard to keep personal feelings out of the game.  I mean after all this is the alter ego of myself.  Oh yeah and then of course there is a goth guy named Leo who is after her as well.  All these men.......She should just stick to the women I think.  But this is RP and there is so many things can happen unexpectedly.......and the storyline makes it all fun......but really WTF am I doing again???

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calm

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Just a small update on things that have been going on in general.  I went to my follow up appt to get more cymbalta the week before Xmas.  Told him about the probs I was facing with the weight and all that.  He gave me more samples and we will talk about the weight prob after the holidays.  Once more again, he told me we are looking more towards the surgery.  I have my own research to do before I give in to it.  

My mother has been going home more and yelling at me to get my stuff from her house.  My deal is that she has my storage key.  She has a truck, move it. She also told me how my cat, Dominoe, decided that he would come back.  I miss him so much so we are thinking about going there to get him soon and move our stuff back into the storage unit there.  At this time, we have no plans as to moving our stuff from GA to NC until after taxes are done.  That trip is going to cost us about $1500.  

I am still without a car but I am going to look at one this week.  It is nothing fancy but a small cash deal that will get  me where I need to go.  We still have our truck but if Hubby leaves it at home with me more, the mileage wont get so high on it.  So, for a couple hundrend bucks, I get a car that will be perfect for just around here.  

Xmas was great for Ryleigh.  This is the first time we have spent it with the hubby's family and it was not bad at all.  Since we were running low on funds, we only bought gifts for everyone else and missed getting ourselves something.  Of course Hubby wasnt going to let that happen so he bought me some really cute boots and a winter coat since I do not have one here.  I plan on buying him the Pirates of the Burning Sea game in Feb and do some upgrading on his computer before then.  Our third computer is going in Ry's room for her.  She has become a complete wiz on mine and it helps me out with the cleaning and daily chores I do. So that will be a late gift for her since I have not even started to put it back together.  

Second life is my only social outlet and I am completely satisfied with it.  My Avatar is now a model for a clothing line and we are both climbing the social ladder.  It is nice to have people who care about the things that I do on there and we can laugh and cut up about it on voice chat.  I miss it when I am not on there.  I am also learning a lot of things about building and creating clothes on there as well.  Some people say that if I become very good at it, I could make a decent living off of it with RL money.  I might really have to look into it.  I mean if you can make a great income playing a game, wouldn't you do it as well?  I thought so.  I have also created a flickr account for the pics of my avatar and friends as well.  You can see that here :   http://www.flickr.com/photos/kalikadarkstone/

[	Tags	|	health, weight	]
[	Mood	|	confused	]
[	Tunes	|	Disturbed-Deify	]

      I went to the doc yesterday to talk about my weight and how I have been feeling lately.  Well of course I am morbidly obese by the charts.  Even though I do not look it, I am.  So yeah, that kinda bummed me out.  He is willing to help with my weight but since I have a depression problem that was not treated properly when I was younger, I have been put back on the "Happy Pills."  These are supposed to be less zombie like than the others ones are.  The pill I am taking is Cymbalta....heh....yeah... 

I am not really sure how I feel.  I couldnt sleep last night.  All I could do was wake  up with cotton mouth and have no clue where I was.  Everytime I yawn, I feel like I am going to puke....I shake constantly.....and my teeth chatter.  This feels like the other ones but not as bad.  The last ones I was on made me go into convulsions....(Literatly) I guess I am just going to have to wait for it to run its course until I get used to it.  

So back on the weight issue.....I am to take this pill for 4 weeks and return to the doc in 3.  If I have not lost any weight by then, I am going on a diet plan....if that doesnt work, he is opting for surgery.  Since my BMI is extremely high and my heart has been having probs, we cannot waste too much time anymore.  I never realized how bad my health had gotten because of my weight.  The circulation in my body is poor and that has been the reason for all the lower pain in my stomache.  Once I lose the weight, I will be ok.  So pray I do cause I am not sure if I want the surgery.....I have never had it before and it is quite scary to think about. 

(P.S. I was really high off the pills last night hahahaha.....it was really nice to be all goofy like and have no idea what I was saying on voice chat to a few buddies on SL....I just hope I don't pay for it today lol.)